What do you need to discuss before getting married with your partner?

11 IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

When we meet someone we genuinely feel affection and love for, the one we would like to journey through life with, we may sometimes think about the unpleasant outcome of the relationship - divorce. In many relationships, divorce is a very real final phase.

This does not mean that you should panic and think only about the most negative scenario of the relationship. It does mean that it is better to learn to look at things realistically.

This will enable you to be prepared for the fact that there will be difficulties and obstacles in the relationship anyway. And your task is to build a relationship that is trusting and strong enough to withstand any adversity together.

The process of building such a relationship begins long before the moment when you and your partner get married.

Many people probably assume that all couples are bound to have hours and hours of serious conversations about the future. These conversations should revolve around the concerns and aspirations of everyone in the couple from time to time. Nevertheless, few people know that many of the really important and critical issues to be discussed remain ignored. Yet broaching certain topics and asking the obligatory clarifying questions can have a long way in helping you and your partner to build a stable and confident path to your happy married life and prevent divorce.

In this article, we'll look at a list of questions and topics that you need to discuss with your partner before you get married.

Before you and your partner formalize your relationship, it's imperative to make sure your ideas about having children in the family are aligned. The birth of a child is a life-changing experience and, if certain issues relating to the topic are not discussed early on, the implications for the relationship can be unfortunate.

What's worth asking about?

1. Children.

• Does your partner want children? If so, how many?

• What would you do if it was difficult or impossible to get pregnant?

• How does your partner see himself as a parent?

• His view of childcare and parenting issues? In turn, you should share your thoughts on the subject of childbearing.

• Would you like to have children?

• How do you think a child should be brought up?

• Who do you think should take parental leave for a young child?

• Do you think help is needed in this case?

2. The "ideal" marriage

Of course, you can agree that nothing is perfect. However, that shouldn't stop the two of you from sharing ideas and dreams about what a successful and happy marriage looks like for each of you.

You can discuss the following questions:

• What does your partner think "marriage" means?

• Why does he/she want to get married?

• What does he/she think it means to be a good husband?

• How does your partner think your relationship will change after you get married? (For better or for worse? How exactly?)

Talking about your expectations for your marriage will help you make sure that neither of you have expectations or needs that cannot be met or met. If you or your partner have doubts about whether your needs and desires are the same, continue to ask questions, listen carefully to each other and discuss each point to try to reach a common denominator.

3. Fears

Talking about fears can be difficult. However, it is important to remember that a necessary component of a relationship, such as understanding, involves a lot of elements: understanding each other's expectations, needs, dreams, ambitions ... and, of course, understanding fears.

It will be helpful for your couple to talk about this if either of you has had a frustrating and frightening family experience (as a child or as an adult). Be careful and considerate when sharing your fears and doubts with each other.

4. Life plans

The lead up to the wedding and the moment of the wedding itself are only moments compared to the time you'll spend together, walking hand in hand through life. You have many years ahead of you - share your plans with each other.

• If you would like to have children, at what age/time do you think it is advisable to start planning for a pregnancy?

• Do you and your partner have career goals?

• Are you both happy with your current place of residence?

• Would you like to stay there or are you thinking of moving?

• How do you imagine your family in 5, 10 or 20 years?

• What would you like to be doing in a few decades? In retirement?

5. Religion

Share with each other your thoughts on the place of religion in each of your lives and how significant this topic would be to your couple.

• Would you like to raise your children according to certain religious beliefs?

• Are there any special points about observing traditions in your parents' families?
  

6. Personal space

One very relevant topic is personal space, which is unfortunately something that gets overlooked in discussions about moving forward with your life together. Everyone is different and some people need a lot more time to be alone with themselves than you could ever imagine. For others, the idea of "being alone with your thoughts" will seem strange and incomprehensible. In fact, the need for temporary privacy is perfectly normal, and having it may not mean that the person is resentful, angry or doesn't like you - just that they want to be separated sometimes. If you talk about these things in advance - how long is needed for some privacy and how it usually happens (a walk on your own, reading a book in silence, doing some personal rituals, exercising) - you will be taking a confident step towards strengthening your relationship and preventing misunderstandings in the future.

7. Finances

Money is one of the most common reasons why couples divorce. Future spouses are advised to discuss their financial expectations. To secure your union and protect each of you from potential future challenges and resentment, it is best to spend some time negotiating the following questions:

• Do you have savings?

• Do you have any debts?

• If so, how do you plan to be responsible for them further?

• Would you like to share a budget or create a joint account?

• How would you like to make significant financial decisions?

• What would you do if one of you suddenly lost his or her job?

• How would you prioritise your expenses?

• What are the views and opinions of each of you about saving and spending?

• Do either of you have an expectation that one partner should be the main breadwinner in the family?
  

8. Intimate sphere

Whether you and your partner are intimate before marriage or you are waiting until you have formalised your relationship to get intimate, it is often important to consider your sexuality together as a mismatch of desires in this area can lead to painful disappointments that can be extremely difficult to cope with. In order to make sure that your expectations are the same, it makes sense to move on to discuss the following questions:

• How do each of you feel about the frequency of intimacy?

• Do each of you have any fears, doubts and taboos about the topic of sexuality?

• How critical is it for each of you when your partner's desire for intimacy is reduced for whatever reason?

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9. Life and chores

Sooner or later all couples who decide to live together will have to deal with the issues of setting up and running a household together. As a result, to pass these moments with the least emotional loss and least misunderstanding, you should express your opinion and consider how you will compromise, knowing you have to carry this person forward into the future. You can go back to discussing sharing household chores from time to time if this seems necessary to either of you. Talk about who would or would not want to do certain household tasks and chores. What works best for whom and is not inconvenient?

10. Stress

It's important to learn to understand when your partner gets upset or is under stress. It is equally pertinent to know how your loved one is used to dealing with stress and difficult times. Some people need support from outside, others prefer to be alone with their thoughts. Some wait for their partner's involvement and help. Others forget themselves by withdrawing from reality, taking alcohol or medication, and getting into other addictions. Talk to each other about your personal ways of coping with stress. You'll be armed with knowledge and will have an idea of what to expect in times that are not the easiest. What's also relevant: When we find ourselves in a difficult situation, we may not be able to ask for help simply because the focus of our attention has shifted as much as possible to the problem. If you and your partner talk about what each of you expects and would like to receive in the event of life's difficulties, it will be easier for each of you to help the other cope and get through the difficult period.

11. Parents and relatives

If you are thinking seriously about starting a family with a certain person, your partner, it will be very helpful to learn not only about their close relatives and family traditions, but also to talk about boundaries and priorities for your own future family. Let's say your loved one may be extremely attached to his or her parents. Or, you envision your family life in isolation. Your partner for some reason cannot separate from the parental home or is under the extremely intense influence of his or her mother or father. What would you do in such a case? Each of the future spouses needs to outline their vision and desired boundaries for your future family in advance.

Couples have to learn effective communication strategies, develop conflict resolution skills, and work towards building trust and understanding with one another.

Whether your family is struggling with issues related to communication, parenting, blended families, or any other challenge, I am here to help. Together, we can work towards creating a more harmonious, supportive family environment that allows each member to thrive. Contact me today to learn more about my services and how I can support your family.